Wraith

Hi all!

Ok, so the beach trip offically sucked. My depression got really bad on the second day and long story short, I freaked out, got paranoid that everyone was against me then got mad with everyone and left in the middle of the second night. So once again, I have screwed up the chance of having friends because of my depression. Urgh, my social skills really suck. I really need to learn how to have better control over mys actions and my emotions when I'm around people or I am going to be alone forever.

In other news I went to Melbourne today and handed out FIFTY resumes! Yes I said fifty! The whole thing took me 5 hours including a lunch break at Nandos. I <3 Nandos =] So hopefully someone will call me back. I mostly put them in at clothing stores and coffee houses. Stuff like that mostly. I had my note book with me as well and I wrote down some stuff in it today. I have decided to carry it everywhere with me and write in it whenever I have a major thought. Then I can share it with you all =]

Ok so the first note goes:
"No longer will I have horribley bad luck. No longer will I have depression. No longer will I suck socially. I am a nice person and I deserve to be happy. I will get a job I like in Melbourne. I will find a room in a share house with nice people. I will have nice friends. There will be lots of them. People will like me, think of me often and want to see me. I will be happy. My life is my own. No more fate. No more letting the world fuck me over. I don't deserve it. I am a good person and I will be happy!"

So basically I'm going to move on and get out of this hole and be happy. I'm changing my life starting from today.

The second note goes:
"I love girls. The ones who are truly feminine. I love the way they smell when you walk near them, or when they flick their hair. I love the way they look out from behind perfect hair, their eyes enhanced in whatever style they have made. I love their curves and teh way their body is formed. I love how they can be so serious and so fun at the same time. Girls are beautiful. They are truly a work of art. I idolize them."

Its true. They are such amazing creatures. Strong, brave, beautiful. Is this why I feel the way I do about them? Do I idolize them so much that I feel I need to be accepted by them to be happy? Its soemthing to think about. But I do love them.

The thrid note goes:
"I am sitting on the train, watching a middle aged couple and I find myself wondering "Has he cheated on her? Do they still have sex? Maybe she has cheated on him? Are tehy happy, or is it a show? Is it such a strong desire to not be alone that they stay together?" I'm not sure its normal for someone my age to be so cyncical about middle life. But the truth is, I'm worried that I'll end up like that. Bitter and trapped. Is it all in my head though? My entire life the media has portrayed middle life like this. I don't have any evidence to the contrary. I don't ever want to end up like that. Thats why I'm so scared to grow up and move on."

Well? Is it real? Or is it just the way I have been taught to view it? The ridiculus thing is that its quite possibly not true. Its possible that there are loving families out there who are close and amazing. But I can't shake that awful feeling that love and happiness are just make believe.

I was just about to wrap this up, but before I go I have some super recent news (like 5 mins ago). Kalila just gave me an ass kicking over my depression. She said I need to stop viewing the world in negatives. Stop believing in bad luck. Stop complaining all the time. And start making myself happy. She said that I'm depressing to talk to, because all I ever do is complain about the world and point out the negatives in things. She said that I only believe in bad luck because I am trying to make social stuff work, and that its failing because I'm not happy in myself. And you know what? She's totally right. And I'm going to make a list of things I need to change. I'm so greatful she told me all that. Its about time someone kicked my ass and made me think, instead of being overly sensitive. I mean don't get me wrong, I do have a horrible disease that I'm trying to fight, but by only talking about it and not doing anything about it, its only going to get worse. I still have my wonderful therapist to talk to. And that should be the only person who hears my crap. Besides on here of course. My original note still holds true. And when I am on the mend, then I can start on the social side. Thankyou Kalila. Thankyou so much. Mum also brought up the issue of me always seeing the negatives and tried to make me find 3 positives, which I didn't feel liek doing. But thankyou Mum.

Notes for self improvement:
-Look for positives
-Don't be so sensitive
-Don't believe everything is about me
-Stop complaining to anyone who will listen
-Stop trying to move too quickly with friendships
-Be patient with the list of stuff to work on
-Stop looking at all the negatives
-Be proactive with the list
-Gain confidence
-Learn to love myself
-Look for good qualities in self
-Be happy with self for improving
-Be happy with self for doing something well
-Find a job and move out, so I can feel like its my life
-Don't lean on everyone else
-Only use support networks such as therapist for depression related issues
-Learn from mistakes instead of repeating them all the time

Thats all for now. I will update the list if I think of anything else. I'm going to sit here for as long as it takes now to find 10 positive things about my life and 10 good qualities about myself. The first step to believing them is finding them

Positives:
1-I have a loving family
2-I'm not terribly sick or disabled
3-My family is healthy
4-I have recognised and accepted that I have a disease and I am being treated for it
5-I have started on a journey towards happiness
6-I have found an amazing therapist who helps me and works really well for me
7-I have some friends, even if I forget to recognise them as friends soemtimes
8-I have a nice place to live, with my own room and nice things
9-Besides having a disease, I am healthy and relatively fit
10-I am alive, and that can only mean I can improve and change

Woo! 10 positives! And looking at that list, I can see that I don't have it extremly bad. My life could in fact be a whole lot worse. This may have been a very good idea. So onto good qualities

Qualities:
1-I am a generous person
2-I am respectful to people
3-I am nice to people
4-I am a gifted writer
5-I am intelligent
6-I truly care about people and feel that everyone deserves to be loved and looked after
7-I am articulate
8-I am a good worker
9-I am a loving person with alot of love to give
10-I can now start to see the positives in life.

Ok, so that took a little longer. But I got there in the end. I am proud of myself. I hope you all are too. If you're a regular reader, you can stop reading here if you like, but you don't have to. The next bit is just going to be some ideas for my therapist so i don't forget to bring them up.

~Indie

Notes for therapist:
-I may have a lot of love to give, because I am compensating for the love I feel I'm not getting when I'm depressed
-I'm worried all this enthusiasm will die, and that I'm just manic right now. Please help me to stay on track
-Ask me about the second note
-I have written an email to Sara, because I don't blame her for how things went and I want her to know that. I need closure so I can move on

Howdy hey!

Last night I managed to contact Brad and Damo (two guys from the old group), who were hanging out together. So I went out at about 11:30, waited in line for the club for half an hour, saw two guys fighting, finally got into the club, met up with Damo and Brad, hung out at that club for a while, met up with another large partition of the old group went to a bar that’s my favourite bar, saw some awesome live DJs, met a really nice girl, drove Brad and Damo to the hamburger van, got a jam doughnut, drove them home (I don’t drink often), and then drove home myself. All in all, a good night =D

~Indie

Hey LJ gang!

Long time no talk! I'm sorry it has been months and months since I wrote in here. I just got lazy and busy and all the usual generic excuses people use. But I have been seeing a new therapist (not a psychologist or a psychiratrist, although I still see both of them for now) and she has asked me to write a journal every day. And because pens hurt my hand to write with, I'll write in here and print them out. Although I am about a week and a bit behind starting on this. Lol.

Ok updates time!
 
So the last time I wrote in here, Sara and I had been dating for about a month and a half. We ended up dating for 8 months to the day. She decided she wants a break and to me that means breaking up. So that is how I took it. So I changed my facebook and myspace status to single. Which she saw and got upset about because to her we were only on a "break", whatever a break means to her. Then we had a massive fight and cleared up the misunderstanding, btu she then "realised" she really did want to break up because it was "too hard not having me there". So we were fighting and not talkign to each otehr, then trying to be friends again, and fighting and not talking. This went on until about last weke, when she finally cut me out of her life for good. Mostly we were fighting because I still loved her and she decided she didn't want me, or love me at all. Now, i don't get how someone can go from being completely in love with someone to not feeling anything at all. It just doesn't seem logical to me, so of course I am still grieving over that. We broke up on the 26th of January.

Also last time I wrote, I has just started my new job. I was working at ALDI. This job was hard, and stressful, and hard and I didn't like it. We were made to keep to certain time standards and got repremanded if we worked "too slowly", which is bullshit because the times were nearly unreachable. So I was on a 3 month probabtion period. So at the end of my "3 months" (which was actually six months), the store manager said to me "You're a great guy, but you're just not ALDI material" and the area manager, who actually does the firing, agreed with her report, because her head is so far up his ass. Its discusting the way some people can be treated all because someone else is up someone highers ass. I did not get along with the store manager at all. I'm ussually ok with people, but she is litterly a complete bitch.

So I have been looking for work since I got fired in december. I had an interview at macdonald's. But unfortunately for me, the stupid bitch manager from ALDI used to work there and the guy asked if I kenw her. So I'm pretty sure he called her and she told him not to give me the job. Then over the last couple of nights, I have had a trial as an apprentice baker, in another town, however I have decided that it is not for me. I lvoe to bake, but the work is boring and repetitive and the shifts start at one or two in the morning. My mum is pretty pissed that I'm going to give it up. But I'm certainly not going to do soemthing I hate. Not anymore. I have gained too much respect for myself over the last 11 months to do that anymore. I'll just keep looking for something.

So on the subject, yes I have finally started to respect myself. And I have Sara to thank for taht. She was so supportive and so wonderful to me and she really helped me. I mean I still have super low self esteem and self confidence, but my self respect is up there. Also I am still really self destructive. But there have been a few acts of self presevation here and there lately, so thats definitely a healthy change.

So that about sums up the major stuff over the last 7 months since I last wrote in here. There has been some otehr stuff affecting me, but I can't really be bothered writing tonight. I'll be writing in here regualrly now. Every day in fact, due to my therapsists request. So stay tuned LJ rockers!

~Indie (yes my alias has changed to indie, instead of wriath now lol)

Byes!

Been a while. I'm tired so will be short.

I have a girl that I love and she loves me =]
This girl loves me being emo =]
I love this girl all over =]


I have a new job =|
I don't like it =[
Working will mean I can see my girl =]

I'm finally starting to like myself for who I am =]
You can thank that girl for this =]
She is making me see that is ok to be who I am =]

That is all.
*Kisses to Sara*

~Wraith

Omg! I really like someone. She is wonderful. And gorgeous. And lovely. And funny. And everything.
She lives on the other side of the world =[
This makes me sad.
I'm saving up to go see her =D

Ok. So I have been in Melbourne for a few days. I wrote an email to Sara telling her all about it. I really can't be bothered typing it again so I'm just going to copy it from the email. So Sara don't bother reading it.

I jsut got home. Its like 6:30pm. I was going to stay an extra day, but I decided I wanted to come home for the weekend and also so I could talk to you =] Omg! I love Melbourne! Like I always loved it, but even more now that I have been staying there. I was staying at my Mum's friend's house in a surburb called Werribe. It takes about 30 minutes to get into Melbourne central by train if it stops at all stations. I was only like a 10 minute walk away from the station, so that was good. So I went down on wednesday and I hung out with my mate Rodina. She's my ex girlfriend, but we are still really good mates. So we hung out and I had so much fun. Until wednesday i hadn't seen her for nearly 2 years. So that was fun. Then I went back to where I was staying. Then we had tea, I think we had roast chicken or something. The next day I went back into the city and had a look around at some shops and gave out resumes to any places that had signs in the window saying tehy were looking for staff. Now Melbourne is a BIG place. Its got nearly 6 million people that live there, so theres people and jobs EVERYWHERE. Lol. So I eventually ran out of resumes. Which was good because I was tired form walking around all day. So I went to the station and the train was like 10 minutes late and then it kept stopping for no reason. We only made it to one station in 20 minutes and teh stations are like 2 minutes apart. And to make it worse there was this old guy who was sitting next to me who was already sitting so taht he took up one and a half seats and he kept brushing up against me. i was squished against teh wall so I didn't have to touch him and he was slowly moving closer. So I was cramped, pissed off and freaking out.The the train driver was crazy. You know how I said it was 10 minutes late? Well then he started to go way faster than the trains are supposed to and he skipped like 5 stations he was ment to stop at. Then the old guy finally got off and then the next stop was mine which the driver didn't skip. And then I saw a guy nearly get hit by a train. So that was pretty cool. So then I walked back to where I was staying, had tea and went to sleep. Today I went back into the city to do more resumes. Overall today and yesterday I think I gave out about 40. Then I saw a Krispy Kremes doughnut store. Do you guys have them? Well we don' have one in where I live and I love them so I bought a box taht had a dozen in it. Then I got on the train to go back to Werribe. I didn't get a seat because it was about 3:30 and all the school kids were getting on. So I had to stand the whole way. Then there was this drunk wanker on the train who was yelling at these two high school kids because they were hugging and we was all like "I didn't pay to see this. Its disgusting. Go back to your own country and do it" etc. And he went on until they got off. Then these high school girls got on and tehy were standing near me and tehy saw taht I had Krispy Kremes and so they started to talk to me. Then they wanted doughnuts and they were cute so tehre was 4 of them and I gave them 2. They said thanks. One gave me her number and they got off. I'm not going to call her though. I think she was like 16. Lol. Then I got off. Walked back to the house. Decided to go home. Packed up my stuff and drove back home. So that was my Melbourne adeventure. Lol.

~Wraith

Howdy-ho all you LJ-eteers!

Sorry for the late entry, I have just been having the craziest mood swings and I really couldn't be bothered posting.
Ok well since the last time I posted, Natalie and I have made up, so we are friends again. On Saturday night my parents wanted me to come down to the beach where they were staying for a night. So I drove teh two hours there. I spoke to my lovely Rodina all the way there. So that was good. Then when I got there we had chinese for tea (Honey chicken equals <3 Lol). Then we watched a movie. It was called "Sweet November" or something like that. It was pretty good. Check it out if you get a chance. Then my parents went to bed so I watched another movie by myself. Its a french movie called "The swimming pool". I have seen it ages ago but its always good to watch again. Lots of french boobs ^_^. Then I went to sleep. The next day, I went for a walk on the beach then decided to go home. On the way though I had to drive through Natalie's town. So she had just finished work and I got to meet her. She was quite lovely. So then I got home and watched some dvds. I have really been getting into the "Rome" series again. I love it! The next day I had to clean the house before my parents got home. Not fun. I never realised how messy I am when I cook. Then I should have  gone to band practice but eating energy tablets and drink "V" with friends sounded more fun. So we fucke daround for ages, high on sugar. Then I had cadets which was boring then came home. Then that night I did something incredibly stupid. I called Jamie. I don't know why. She was really suprised that I called her and we talked for a couple of minutes about what had been happening. Then she felt awkward and left. The following conversation is taken directly from my mobile phone inbox and outbox. Bear in mind that I ended our friendship after we broke up, because she was making it too hard by telling me she didn't love me anymore and telling me about guys she had been getting with.

Me: "Sorry. I know that was a bit out of the blue"
Her: "Uh....yeah it was"
Me: "I just realised I missed your company and wanted to be mates again. I'll understand if you don't want to be. You don't have to decide now."
Her: "Look I'm going to admit you fucked me over. Its not like I can just leap back into a friendship that can be so easily destroyed on your fleeting whims. But you prove you're worth it and I'll let you back into my life a bit. I'm not going to be fucked with again."
Me: "I'm sorry. It was a bad idea to call you. I should have just left you alone. I had no right to call you and I'm sorry if I have upset you. In future I'll try and be smart enough not to bother you."
Her: "I didn't say I wasn't willing to work things out. Grow so balls and prove you won't just do the same thing again and I'm happy to give the friendship thing a go. I'm not being the bad guy, but if you want this taht is how it has to be"
Me: "Look I want to be friends, but I'm not going to pretend that the fact taht we aren't is all my fault. You fucked me over too and if this is how we're starting out, then perhaps its best if we just leave it.
Her: "You want to take the easy way out of here taht's fine by me. I'm not the one who walked away and wanted nothing more to do with you. You can't just expect me to forget taht, regardless of any relationship beforehand. Take the easy way out mate. Whatever works for you.
Me: No reply.

That was a side of her I have never seen before. It was a side of her that made me fall out of love with her. Its funny how that can happen. One minute you're hurting badly because you still love someone deeply; a short conversation ensues and you no longer feel for them. I'm finally able to move on which I'm very happy about. So then yesterday was a pretty good day. I talked to sara for 7 hours on msn. Thats a really long time. We talked about so much. She's quite lovely and if I'm ever in Canada I'm going to call her and go for coffee with her =] Then make a montage to one of Kate Nash's songs.

So that about wraps up what's been happening. I guess I will post when I have some news =]

Stay safe =D

~Wraith

So I had a fight with Natalie last night.
I was a bit pissed off with her because I have told her some things that I don't tell anyone. I don't open up to anyone and I opened up to her because she kept pushing. But she won't open up to me. She does this really annoying thing where you ask her something and she just doesn't answer, and because its over teh phone I think that its cut out of something so I'm like "Hello?" and she says "Hi" so I ask the question again, and its nothing but silence. Do you have any idea how FRUSTRATING that is?!?! Grr so I left. And then I felt bad for being mad with her, so i called her back, and I apologise and shes like "Yeah. I'm going to go." Its like get fucked! You pissed me off and I rang you back to say sorry for being mad with you and you don't even listen to what I have to say.
Pretty pissed off right now. She keeps saying "Hi" on MSN. I'm not replying.
In other news I just ate ice cream =]

~Wraith

I made a friend on LJ! Shes awesome!
You know who you are =]

~Wraith

Stolen off someone elses LJ =P

1. Who was the last person you yelled at?:

Some stupid driver who was doing 80 in a 100 zone then sped up to 120 when I got to the overtaking lane. Stupid fucker.

2. Who was the last person you kissed?:

Jamie

3.What was the last memorable book you read?:

"The hobbit" I love reading it a million times =D

4. When did you last dance?:

Last time I was drunk at Karova Bar. Like 3 weeks ago.

5. Whats the last thing you want to hear from your
parents?:

That they no longer support how I want to live.

6. When did you last go for a walk in the park?:

Monday night. On a date with Bug =[

7. When did you last do you ironing?:

HAHAHAH! Ironing?!?! Wait, maybe I misread the question....Oh wait no I didn't....Funny stuff quiz creator =P

8. When was the last time you smiled all day?:

Probably a good few years ago.

9. What color of socks do you normally wear?:

Black or white =]

10. Did you ever attend a private school?:

Yeah. Hated it and left. Then went to a public. Loads better.

11. Do you like stuffed animals?:

Not really.

12. Have you ever smashed pumpkins?:

No, but I've heard of the band =)

13. Do you read labels when shopping for food?:

Nope. Food is food to me. If it tastes good and is enjoyable to eat, I don't care what's in it.

14. Can you quote Shakespeare?:

I think thou doest protest too much

15. Do you like playing baseball?:

I used to when I was like in year 7. Theres no league here really.

16. Are you a neat freak?:

Pfft. No!

17. What is the worst injury you have ever given
someone?:

Concusion. I love doing taekwondo competively =D

18. Do you ever eat lemons plain?:

See question 16. Lol.

19. Have you ever fired a gun?:

Surely have =]

20. Do you own any knee-high boots?:

Nope.

21. Are you attached to extreme people?:

Not really.

22. Do you like swimming in lakes?:

I used to. The stupid drought means there aren't really any lakes near me anymore. They all dried up.

23. Have you ever streaked at a football game or any other public event?:

I will one day =D

24. What is you favorite gemstone?:

Emerald

25. Have you gone on many blind dates?:

None.

26. Has someone done something extra nice for you?:

Not ever really.

27. Did you have a crush on any of your teachers?:

Nope.

28. Have you ever been lost in a bad part of a city?:

Nope

29. Would you rather have a mint or fruit flavored gum?:

Mint

30. Do you have road rage?:

Yes! See question 1

31. Have you ever eaten grass?:

A couple of times. Being drunk will do taht to you.

32. Do you ever eat food right out of cans or jars?:

Yep

33. Has your mind ever gone blank?:

Never. I want it to so much, but I can never stop thinking.

34. Have you ever met anyone interesting at the laundry mat?:

Never been to one.

35. Do you have recurring dreams?:

Sometimes.

36. Are you kind?:

Depends on who I'm talking to at the time. Lol.

37. Would you give a needy person the shirt off your back?:

Nope. Thats what the free clothes bins at Op shops are for.

38. Do you have any beanie babies?:

No

39. Would you rather be hot or cold?:

Cold. Cold is fun =]

40. Is the glass half full, or empty?:

Depends on whether you were just drinking from it or just putting liquid into it =]

41. Do you exercise or work regularly?:

I try

42. Could you kill if your life was threatened?:

No. I'm not a violent person

Ok, so McDonald's won out. I was driving past and the drive through called me. So i ordered a large 10 McNugget meal. I feel so disgusted with myself. After I had bought it and started to eat it, I was all like "How did this happen?". I assume they were using the same technique that the producers of solitare were using (See yesterdays entry called "Why?" for the refrence). So basically I ate it and now I feel sick. And what's worse is, I didn't even get to do my quiz that I wanted to. I'm going to do it now and then post it.
*Throws up*

~Wraith

I am totally craving McNuggets!
I don't know why. I normally hate fast food.
The nearest McDonald's is 20 minutes away. This is incentive for me not to drive there and get them.
But my stomach says "GIVE ME SOME FUCKING MCNUGGETS!"
I think I'll do a quiz to distract myself.
Hopefully by the time I go into town later, the craving will be gone.

~Wraith

Ok, so I don't think I have slept that long in about 5 years. I was up rather late talking to my good friend Natalie on the phone. I rather like Natalie actually. I met her through MySpace and she is wonderful to talk to. She lives in another town thats about 2 hours away from where I live, but I haven't met her in person yet. She's actually pretty innocent. Shes 19 and hasn't been kissed, and has never been drunk, and hasn't done alot of stuff. Which actually gives her a pretty good perspective on the world. You know how sometimes you just need to talk to someone and you talk to one of your friends and they're like "yeah the world is so shit, blah blah blah" and they go off on a  tangent of their own experiences and you're just like "shut up! I need to vent here!"? Natalie isn't like that. She sees the world as still being good, because she hasn't had any experiences to tell her otherwise. I'm not sure if thats healthy or not. Aren't experiences like that in teenage years supossed to help us define who we are? I don't really know. Anyway, Had a nice long chat to her until about 4 in the morning, which was nice. Then I went for an 8Km run. Also fun, except it was like 2 degrees (Celcius for any readers out there who thought I ment farenheit lol). Then I went to sleep at about 5am. And i woke up at 12pm. Thats like 7 hours! I normally have pretty bad insomnia and can't sleep for more tahn 3 hours. So I'm feeling pretty refreshed today. Thanks to all those lovely people that added me as a friend and left comments. I love comments so always feel free to leave me more if you have something to say =]

~Wraith

I'm wondering if anyone is reading what I am writing.
Admitedly I did only start writing this morning, but you would think with all the people on this site that someone somewhere would have read it. If you're reading, leave me a comment =]

So there's this girl that I'm really interested in. But first you need a back story.

Ok so I had, had alot of shit relationships in the past. Like really shit. And I bascially didn't things girls were decent in any sense. Then came Jamie. And Jamie was wondeful. She was the most caring, loyal, intelligent, whitty, beautiful person I have ever met. We dated for a while and it was good. I was her first and taht seemed to matter to her. But then my depression got bad again. And my self esteem crashed. Jamie couldn't deal with that. She broke up with me and although she still wanted to be friends with me, after a while I couldn't be friends with her anymore. It just hurt too much. Especially after she told me she had been getting with other guys. It trivialised our relationship and made it seem as though me being her first didn't matter to her at all. My depression got worse and I was in a state of despair. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't sleep or eat. She was the first girl I was ever truly in love with, and I didn't know how to move on. Eventually I crawled out of my metaphorical despair hole and started socialising again. Now while I was dating Jamie I had met this other girl. Her name is Bug. I didn't really take too much interest in her at the time because of Jamie. But one day I was thinking about Bug and I ran into her. I was like "Ok, that was weird". Then one day I was thinking about how I was lonely after Jamie, and who should I run into, but Bug. We chatted for a bit and she gave me her number. We went on a date on Monday night. And it was great.  We got along really well and I'm really interested in her. We organised to go on another tonight.

Somehow since Monday, when things were great, she has changed her opinion about me. She wasn't really replying to my text messages . Ok so you may be thinking "Maybe she's busy. Or out of credit", and that would seem logical, and its what I thought initially also. But I just called her and she said she can't do tonight and then had to go abruptly. Basically I don't think she is interested anymore, but just won't say it.

It doesn't matter. I'm pretty emotionally numb right now. I can't really feel things one way or another. I might go get drunk later. Even though I have no one to go with. People are fucking shit!

~Wraith

Allow me to lay out some information about my life as it is right now.
I currently do not attend any educational facilities.
I currently do not have a job.
I am currently waiting for a trial as an apprentice chef next week.
I am currently home alone, because my parents have gone away for a week.
I am currently lonely.
I do not currently have any friends that wish to hang out with me.

Sorry if anyone is annoyed with my bitching. Lol. I'm just so damn bored and lonely and I have NOTHING TO DO!!!!!

Hmm. Perhaps I'll play some more solitare.
Fucking addicting game.
Lol.

~Wraith

Grr!
More and more I find that, while waiting for web pages to load, I have somehow managed to open solitaire and started to play it.
I'm serious when I say that I don't remember opening it. I just realise at some point that I'm in the middle of a game.
Its like an addiction that I don't realise I have because I'm not craving it.
I don't even LIKE solitare!
Does anyone else find this?

~Wriath

Hooray for my first entry! Lol.
I guess I created an LJ for most of the same reason that everyone does. To express myself and allow people to have an insight into my life. So I suppose a little information about me is in order.

I'm 19. I have green eyes and black hair. I have my lip pierced. I love piercings on girls. I don't know what I want to do with my life. I always seem to try and start something, but then get bored with it really quickly. Bassically I have huge commitment issues. I get lonely alot. Mostly because I make friends pretty easily, but I can't seem to keep them. My self esteem equals zero. Actually more like zero point five these days. I see a psychologist because I have pretty bad depression. I used to try and talk to everyone about it. Now i mostly keep it to myself, because people get annoyed with depressed people. I don't drink often, but when I do, I get REALLY drunk. I get freaked out around new people because I'm shy, but instead of being quiet like most shy people are, my mind decides that its a greta idea to make me hyper. I think people think I'm odd because of that. I think people think I'm odd msot of the time. I have only ever loved one girl and been IN love with another. I like sex, but only if its with someone I can trust. I love kissing though. Kissing is a game I can play with anyone. Lol.  I have a MySpace, but its set to private because I don't want shit people looking who I know. I don't get along with most people. I just hate alot of them. Its not that I think that I'm better than any of them, its just that they are truely shit people. I would have done better being my age in 1941. Everyone just seemed as though they were better people. People with some honor. Its rare to find a decent person now days. I play clarinet, which I love. It makes me feel at least semi decent about myself. I can just lose myself in the music and forget about everything. More than anything I would love to do it professonally, but I don't think it will ever happen. I'm not great with girls. I lack the confidence to truely captivate their imagination. I always end up just being the friend. I love going for coffee with people, but I hate the taste of it. I load it with sugar. I am addicted to V energy drink. Its really bad, but I can't stop drinking it. I always seem to put the "H" in "Th" words after the vowel (Taht, Tehy, Teh etc.) I don't mean to. It just happens.

Well thats about all I can be bothered writing about myself for now. I guess I will write again soon.

~Wraith